Antony’s Speech Adapted for Modern Times
Friends, Romans, countrymen, listen (sniff). I, Mark Antony, have actually come here to bury Caesar, not praise him. The bad men do is remembered after their deaths, but the good everybody buries. It is going to be the same with Caesar. Brutus—he’s a loser I’m just saying… told you Caesar was mean. If that’s true, it’s bad, really, really bad and Caesar has paid for it in spades. (sniff, sniff) Now this Brutus and the others—they’re bad, really, really bad; I hear they are rapists, drug guys and such and I think they’re letting the barbarians take your jobs—I’m here to talk at Caesar’s funeral. He was my friend, he was good to me most of the time, Antony. But Brutus says he was bad, really really bad, but then he’s a loser so there you go. Look at him. Does he look like a Senator? When I’m emperor I’ll have him in jail—even if you remember he brought incredible, amazing billions to the city.
Is this the work of an amazing guy? When the deadbeats cried, Caesar was amazing. Really incredible. Get-up-and-go shouldn’t be so soft. Yet Brutus says he was bad, but Brutus is a loser (sniff), really bad, a billion times worse. You all saw that on feast day I offered him a king’s crown three times, and he refused it the 3rd times. Three times, I’m saying. Amazing. Tremendous. Hell, you wouldn’t probably have cared if he’d speared someone on the Senate floor, am I right? I, (sniff) Antony, ask. Was this right? Yet Brutus says he was not okay, that he was bad. But, no question, Brutus is a loser—probably, certainly a devil. I am telling you, Brutus lies; he lies a lot. You all loved him once, remember? Incredible. Amazing. Then what is going to stop you from being sad now? Men have become liars, and probably rapists and bad, just really bad! Listen to me, Mark Antony. My heart is actually in the coffin there with Caesar, and I must stop until I get it back. (he sniffles)
Sniff, only yesterday the word of Caesar might have been bad, probably bad. Now he lays there worth nothing, a loser. Oh, sirs, if I pissed you off, I probably piss off Brutus and Cassius, but, you all know, they’re creeps. They’ve done far badder stuff than Caesar. I will form a special prosecutor to deal with those crooks. Crooked Brutus, crooked Cassius. Hell, attack them. I’ll pay your fines for it. I Mark Antony will win. But here’s a paper with Caesar’s seal on it. I found it in his room—it’s his will. Listen, I’ll read this. I’ll follow it. I’ll make Rome great again using the great Caesar’s economic plan in this will. Caesar loved you losers. He loved you a lot. Really, incredibly a lot. You won’t believe how much he loved you. You aren’t Arabs, you aren’t barbarians—you’re men. And, being men, the crap in Caesar’s will is going to make you mad, really, incredibly mad. It’s better that you don’t know. Shut up, will you? Put a sock in it. Don’t be pu*&#@s. The men who stabbed Caesar are stupid. I was totally against stabbing Caesar from day one. You’re going to get rich and taxes are going to be lowered, just imagine that! And no barbarians are going to be taking your jobs. I’ll read the damn will. Circle around incredibly dead Caesar, and let me show you his will. Well? Move aside, losers!
Don’t press up against me. Security! Let’s get security in here. Rough those laggards up a little on the way out. Throw them out.
If you have tears, cry you big babies. Really big. Too big. I, Antony, am saying…